How to Set Boundaries

Before talk about how to set boundaries, I want to ask:

Are you always available for everyone and everything?

Do you have no clear cut off point between work and family life?

Do you never get a minute to yourself?

The problem could be that you don’t have any boundaries and boundaries are important when we’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed with all the demands placed on us.

In this video I’m going to explain to you what boundaries are, why they are important, what happens when we don’t have them and how you can set your own.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries let people know what we are and are not available for.

They let people know how we wish to be treated.

Having boundaries enables us to take better care of ourselves.

What happens when we don’t have boundaries?

Feeling of Stress & Overwhelm

When we don’t have boundaries, we can feel stressed and overwhelmed with all the things that we have to do, all the places we have to go. This can eventually lead to burnout.

Lack of Control

We can feel like we don’t have much control over what’s going on in our life because there’s so many demands placed on us. We’re being pushed and pulled in all different directions.

Taken Advantage of & Lack of Respect

We can feel like we’re being taken advantage of and that other people don’t have any respect for our need to have some time to ourselves.

What’s the Problem?

The problem is, if you’ve never actually set a boundary or communicated it to someone else, then how are they supposed to know that you’re not happy doing all those things for everyone else?

What are the different types of boundaries?

There are different types of boundaries to choose from and there’s no right or wrong. It can be boundaries to do with:

Your time
Your finances
The workplace

They can be boundaries between work and home life
Your relationships, the list is endless really.

Let me give some examples….

If you’re struggling to think of what a boundary might be because it’s been that long since you’ve set one, I want to share two examples of my boundaries with you.

Time Boundary

My first boundary is on time and my boundary is with my son. And I clearly state to him that I am off mum duty by quarter past nine at night.

Obviously, I’m available if he needs me through night. But the point is, I am off duty and I want him to be in bed ready to go to sleep. So, if he decides to take a really long time to get ready for bed, then he misses out on quality time with me where we have a chat and a snuggle and story time.

I’m really strict about that boundary because I need that time for myself in the evening.

Work/Personal Life Boundary

My second boundary is a work / personal life boundary which didn’t used to exist and I would allow business to overlap into personal life. So, just before we have tea every night, I turn off the notifications on my phone, and I don’t switch them back on until I’m sat at my desk, the next day, ready to start work.

I do the same at the weekends. The notifications go off at tea time on Friday, and I don’t turn them back on until I’m sat at my desk on a Monday morning.

Now, should I choose to check my messages, which I sometimes do, then I will do that, but I’m not being dictated to by my phone pinging and distracting me from what I’m doing in my family time in the evenings and the weekends.

Time for you to choose your boundaries

The two boundaries I mentioned above are just two examples to get you going. I’d like you to take a moment now to brainstorm all the different types of boundaries you think you would like to put in place. Then when you’ve done that, continue reading for my tops tips on setting boundaries.

My Top 3 Tips on Setting Boundaries

Now that you’ve made your list of boundaries, I’d like you to pick the top one or two to start with, because we don’t want to make too many changes all in one go.

Once you’ve chosen which ones, here are my three top tips to help you on the way.

Tip 1 – Get Comfortable feeling Uncomfortable!

There’s no getting away from the fact that when we put a boundary in place, it can feel awkward. We can feel guilty, we can feel like we’re being selfish. And when it comes to letting other people know what the boundary is, that can feel really uncomfortable.

But if you’re not willing to sit with those feelings of being uncomfortable, then guess what? Nothing’s ever going to change. And that leads me on to my second tip….

Tip 2 – Communicate

You need to communicate your boundary with the people that need to know. And this is where it gets uncomfortable because people might not like it, their reaction might not be what you hoped for.

And these are the moments where you will start to feel awkward. But I encourage you, as I’ve already said, to sit with those feelings because they will pass and people will get used to the idea of the boundary that you are putting in place.

Tip 3 – Be Consistent

When your boundary is set, you stick to it no matter what.

Obviously, emergencies not included, or pooly children. But my point is, if you back down on your boundary, or you let somebody talk you out of it, just the once, it’s not going to be taken seriously.

I’d like to share an example of this with you.

Referring back to what I told you about being off mum duty by quarter past nine at night.

I set this boundary, I let my son know. And inevitably the first time that I set the boundary, he was messing around getting ready for bed and it got past quarter past nine and he wandered into my room with his book, sat on the bed and said, are you ready for story time.

I said, no, because it’s past quarter past nine and he looked at me and asked why?

He hadn’t taken seriously what I had said. I was really firm and I said I explained this to you earlier and then I turned him away. He walked out of the room holding his book with his head down, looking really sad and quite hurt, I FELT SO GUILTY!

I could really easily have said, ‘Oh, come on, I’ll read you a story quickly’. But I didn’t, because if I had done that, he wouldn’t have taken it seriously.

The following night, he respected my boundary, and he was ready for bed much sooner which meant that we enjoyed our quality time together and I also got the time on my own that I needed!

So that’s my Top 3 Tips:

Get comfortable feeling uncomfortable
Communicate
Be Consistent

I hope they help and good luck with setting your boundaries!

You may also be interested in ‘How to Say No which will come in handy if anyone is trying to persuade you to do something that isn’t in line with the boundary you have set! You can read more about that HERE